Voices and Vices

The nonchalance was visible as I put my pretentious face to display, the mediocre attempts of blatantly lying and hiding behind the blurred lines were enough to make my case. In my head, I would rather be fooled than be fooled by someone but the context of my thoughts perplexed as I preferred fooling myself over anything else. A “shytrovert” walking down the lanes I kept my head down and my thoughts grounded, the chaos in my head reached its peak as the voices grew louder. Back and forth, like a 4-dimensional pendulum swinging in an endless loop of no resort. I knew I needed an outlet but where shall I speak and will I be heard? The voices in my head, I hear’em loud and clear telling me to listen.

I never listened to them, I never did, every wrong decision I made, every curve I skipped; all they did was talk to me, guide me but like a man with a blindfold I preferred treading the waters with my beliefs, beliefs that were false and wrong, torn out and proven wrong. If only I could see the faces behind the masks, the lies in their spectrum of thoughts I would have known. I stood for people being their friend, gave them a hand and my time, their discrepancies and believing they will be alright. I was what they called their “support system”, I was what they said, “one who fights the lost battle”. And I did fight their lost battles and like a deprived case of a ventilator, I did prove futile as their support. Ohh! if only I would have heard the voices in my head who kept screaming “No”, who kept begging to stop “Embarrassing yourself”. But like an idle vessel of a vase, I just turned a deaf-ear and stood there like a showpiece in heir trophy case. The case that was shiny and glittery and didn’t need a rusty old piece hanging by a hinge, the case that was filled with so many shallow pieces that ultimately I accepted that me being ignored was a bliss. If only I would have listened to voices in my head…

I still went back to them like Hachiko went back to the station waiting for his master, the voices in my head had now surrendered as they knew talking to me wouldn’t help me more. All these times “being good” and expecting nothing in return, the ideologies seemed questionable as I lost faith in my beliefs. Not the ethics I grew up with, not the ethics that I shall quit. So, like a wounded soldier I returned back to my den, now it’s me and bunch my of thoughts playing a little game. A game where they convict me of betrayal as I backstabbed them on every corner even they wanted to help me. A game where they prove how I kept embarrassing myself when all I could do have down, in turn, a new leaf. Of course, I lost ad of course I learned. The toughest lesson in your life, “you can try but you can’t please everyone…”

Sitting in a vacant room with questions in my head, they kept asking me why would you do this to yourself? as I maintained my quiet. Why go through the hiatus if you shall never be acknowledged, is it worth swimming oceans for people who won’t even jump puddles for you? Is it worth having faith in them when you could see through their hollow eyes and shallow tears? Is it worth crossing the road when all they want is someone to fix their tires as they pass you by? I don’t know, I never had the answers. I’m just good at being “pretentious”.

I have pretened through their white lies and fake tears, I have pretended through their pushbacks and timid fears. Maybe its the loneliness that I grew up with, maybe its the introvercy that slowly sunk in, maybe its the devil residing under my bed, maybe its the heart that just wants to do good and be fooled again. If only I would have listened to the voices in my head… I wish I wouldn’t have walked down the same road again and again… If only I would have listened to the voices in my head…

– Gaurav A. Khandekar

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