I knew your bag was packed and so was mine. We could have eloped that very moment and never looked back. I knew you would stay with me and that was comforting enough for me. Imagine the places we could have been had it not been jinxed by my own anxiety. I know you won’t forgive me for the scar that I have left on your innocent heart, I broke my promise, I betrayed you, I know we are never going to be the same again. But if it soothes any of your pain I want you to know, I always dreamt of that day where you and I could be all alone. A place where we could be together and capture our dreams, paint our thoughts on canvas and put colors in our seldom lived life. So many dreams, so many aspirations, so many lies.
It was not that I wasn’t prepared, trust me; I was. And I know I was the one who convinced you in the first place. Yet in the end, I was the one who back peddled his own words. You kept questioning me whether I was serious and I kept assuring your naive soul that I was. From that very moment, we have been planning our guilty prejudice. Our trip to fantasy land was almost the center topic of everything we did. Yet I crumbled and gave everything away. I wish I had the bone to just walk out and take that leap of faith.
Even that day, I held you, your bag and mine; held my tears as I silently bid goodbye. My folks were asleep and they won’t even notice. All I needed to do was walk with you through the door. Every moment I stood in their presence it kept hurtling me more, you gave me support but it kept tearing me, ripping me apart. I still tried holding my pieces near, took a deep breath as I turned around started walking through the rear door. Stood there with my hands shivering I turned around once more, beyond this door lived my dream and at the other end lived me.
Me who has relentlessly given up on his dreams, me who has continuously fooled himself with a hope that there might be a tomorrow where I could breathe. Where I won’t crumble under expectations, where I could breathe and do as I wish. Where the weight of responsibilities could be shrugged off my shoulder. Where I could just hold you and never worry about tomorrow. So much for being me.
I lost my courage as I could hardly pull myself through this. I knew at this moment that I was going to quit. So I threw you and your bag out of the window. THUD! you landed on the floor hard, damn another dream broken apart. My dad gave me that camera when I graduated. I never wanted to be a lawyer all I wanted was to capture those moments and trap them inside a cage. I knew my folks won’t allow me to pursue what I seek. It was just a dream, dad says sleep tight, wake up and pretend it was never meant to be.
Today I betrayed one more dream, today I broke another promise that could have been. Today I stepped on the same pieces of lens who were going to travel with me. The only moment that you captured was a coward soul trapped in his responsibilities. I never wanted to lie to you or myself for that matter anymore, if you and I couldn’t be together, we could die. You died as your pieces couldn’t be put together, I died as I couldn’t have the bone to pursue my dream and to accept you as my fate. I died because I watched my dream died.
-Gaurav A. Khandekar