You clenched my breath away,
As my eyes stayed glued when you read my messages.
Messages that you wouldn’t reply instantly so I calmed myself down as anxiety swirled in.
In seconds it felt like hours have passed, it seemed like hourglass was already being empty and dark.
I could barely keep hold of myself as I started weighing every possible scenario that might have helped me.
I knew in this moment I shall either be yours or I shall never be the one that you believed in.
Helplessly I locked my phone and took a breath,
Like a scene from a Shakespearean drama, I started recalling every event that my fantasy had played.
Playing through those memories I remembered how casually we met,
How we talked our hearts out, but our eyes never met.
When we met, how you leaned back in disinterest and kept staring as people passed me,
Me and my anxiety, As If it never existed in that chair and you could just see right through me.
But me and my questions did exist in that chair and all I did is keep falling for you, your bright eyes and widened stare.
Your smile, something that was beautiful and endless like time.
Times passed and eventually, I was no longer a stranger to you, you helped me crossed that line.
Lines that I always hoped I would say and make you chuckle.
Chuckled down, blushed away, eyes at ground level, how could I utter something,
Somethings were a pure struggle.
I even struggled today, as I wrote a long message,
Messages that seemed like summaries and passage.
Passage of my life that I would like to re-read, with you I wish I would complete the story that I dreamed.
Dreams that made me blush and wonder, every time I thought about you I would just fall over your thoughts and make a blunder.
My blunders in my past are not what I want to regret and cry about.
About the past that has brushed past me, let’s not talk about it now.
Now in this moment as my heartbeat kept racing away, I wish you could say something.
Something that would make me jump in joy or cry in agony.
The agony of not having you and the endless pain that will stomach me.
Me I’ll still smile and put a brave face as I’ll relish your memories.
Memories that I hold near and dear,
Dearest to my thoughts as I have been longing with fear.
Fear of losing you has slowly sunk in,
In came anxiety and washed away my hopes haplessly.
Haplessly I kept staring at my phone still, type something,
Something that would revolt me or make me jolt.
Jolting in pain my eyes remained glued,
Glued like my one-sided crush who had a chance and he didn’t even know.
I knew it might come down to this and before its too late I must stabilize.
Stability in my thoughts its time I move ahead and not look back.
Back when I thought you would either be mine or somebody’s reason to smile.
A reason that would make me happy and bring me back to life.
Back to life and back to reality, it’s been days since we last talked and you haven’t replied.
A reply that would have given me a reason to fight or flight.
Flying in your thoughts everything seemed alright.
I’m not alright and I’m not gonna lie.
I still lie in my bed thinking what should I do with you that would make you write a single line.
A line, a word you could have written, a yes or no, something that you would have spoken.
You haven’t spoken for a while and your silence has killed me,
Me I’m confused should I hate you or still keep hold of your feelings,
Feelings that I thought were real and unfiltered,
Feelings that I expressed and I thought you would feel the same or let them wash in vain.
If not the same, at least reject me.
Me, I’m clinging to a wasteful thought as you haven’t said anything.
Anything could have done, apart from your silence that has been haunting me.
Haunts like a ghost as I don’t know what to do,
Do I need to hate you, for not answering me?
Or Do I need to be hopeful as someday you might answer me?
Like a hopeless guinea pig, I kept running in circles.
Circling my thoughts I wish I could ask her,
Ask her why wouldn’t she say something,
Something even if that kills me slowly,
Something even if tears me apart and I shall stand lonely.
Loneliness has always been here residing under my bed.
Dear Internet crush show me your face or at least give me a reason to hate.
Give me a reason to hate!
-Gaurav A. Khandekar