I hate Sundays, they are like dessert the goodness is lost once it enters your mouth. Same goes for my Sundays the moment I wake up the day is done. I usually don’t do much on Sunday I just browse through my social media accounts I get bored so I log off and once when boredom hits me more I log back in. But today is different, I don’t feel like touching my phone, today I don’t feel checking all the notifications that have piled up since midnight, today is better to be offline. Today is my break, a break from all the hiatus that I have burdened myself for past few years, a break from the agony of knowing the cause of the pain and yet embracing it, a break from viscousness of life.
We both were not exactly made for each other in all fairness it was more like one-sided crush which more often gets crushed(literally). I belonged to a very conserved and orthodox family. My family preachings were so narrow-minded that he was actually one of the first male counterparts that I interacted with, I wanted to say first male friend but you see how narrow these rules were. I grew up in a society where a girl beyond 20 should get married and if her husband is impotent then she is the one to be blamed for. But I’m not here to address these issues those are the stories for my another coffee break. Today I’ll make my tea and watch these rain drops take a free fall on the surface of the earth.
Let’s be honest I’m not the most adventurous one, hell I started shivering the moment he held my hand. Ohh ! BTW, if you think this is just one of the blogs where I’ll address how empty I feel since we mutually parted our ways, then you are on the right track, this is one of those blogs. I have a story to tell but that’s too boring, so boring that even he didn’t find it exciting and girls let me tell you something if men don’t find adrenaline rush then there is no fun. So coming back to the point I saw him at my college the very first day of my engineering tragedy, a new world, the desire to learn and educate yourself to tread the untraded waters. Basically, all these emotions were killed by the end of the day, things our education system has ruined for us. But he was my shining light in the dark tunnel and all I did is vacantly stare at him.
I remember the times he just won’t show up and I would continuously stare at the door. Ohh my stupidity, by this time I fell for him and I fell for him hard. You know the struggles of being a girl in an Indian family and to juggle between education, family and society and also life sometimes is just breath taking. I was never his priority and I might have never been. We interacted, we talked and we had a good time. He was the first guy that I dined with (hope that counts as a date). He was the first guy I went to movies and so many other such simple yet stupid ventures. While I was busy framing each of these memories, reality struck hard.
I always knew we would never happen at least theoretically but hope’s a bitch and I clinged onto it. But as I progressed in my life, my job, and my family I realized something’s will always be distinct realities. After moving back and forth between “Someday we might be together..” to “Naah to whom am I kidding..” I decided to take the step. It was his birthday yesterday and I prepared the best speech of my life on how things are? how I felt about him? what I wanted for us to be? but all the courage I mustered and all I could say is “We shouldn’t see each other anymore” that’s all I said and he agreed. I mean he didn’t even resist he just blatantly agreed as if he knew all the way along, seriously to whom was I kidding? Does it feel like a breakup, I don’t know. Do I have the desire to call him, yes? Will I call him, I genuinely don’t know. Is this chapter over, I pray hopefully so.
“I wish there was an app that would tell people how you feel,
Notify them about how much and what exactly you need,
Will we still talk to each other,
Notified- I’m missing you,
Will you still call and ask me how am I doing?
Burdened by these societies demands,
and the wanting needs of my family.
An app that tells you to hear me once,
So I shall speak from the very bottom,
But I guess It’s easy to block than to cry and laugh”